Shadows

Icy, cold air fills lungs like darkened arctic waters. Fear crawls from head to toe, incendiary flows of fathomless pain set sinews writhing. The tumultuous battle of mind over nothing, to nothing, toward not light, but a faint, desperate hope of even the faintest illumination. Moments are as endless eons of uncertainty growing. Long ago a resolve was borne through the depths of sadness, a determinate stance, set against the harbinger. Alas... little is to be gained, for it is as a dark stone seemingly immovable, that is tethered and rooted deep to the essence of the withering one. It is not a grip to be relinquished, but a brutal truth to be reconciled to. Though it seems to dissipate like a centurion storm, its resurgence is a certainty not to be disputed. And as always... A shade unknown, but known too well stands silent and near. Not for the pain, but for the fear itself does the traveler make its berth. Existence for both seems to hang on the nexus between both realms. The dark and the light. Where Shadows and Guardians war in chaotic radiance. The traveler is drawn, and in the drawing the ancient terror rises from within. A primal dissonance of unharmonious states. A broken hearted vagabond, seeks truth in dessicated wastelands, and the Thief sends a shade in the wake. Eternally the finites render this scene, a broken record of mirthless satyr, that decays and becomes the ashen remains of a fire long burnt out. But oh my Adonai! Turn not your face away forever, look upon brokenness and heal the scarred remains of the lone ethereal wolf, the warrior whose lot is yet to be cast.

You Smile (Song)

You smile, she smiles, she looks, away

You blush, and think, of what, to say

You talk, she talks, you laugh, she flirts

You fall, so fast, so hard, it hurts

And all the time there’s only one thing on your mind

Could this be the one you waited all your life to find

Could it be true, could it be you

How will you know, when will it show

You smile

Your love, it grows, with each, new day

You have, the ring, what will, she say

You ask, you want, she says, she will

You breathe, and think, oh heart, be still

‘Cause all the time there’s only one thing on your mind

Could this be the one you waited all your life to find

Could it be true, could it be you

How will you know, when will it show

You smile

She’s sad, she hurts, you don’t, know why

You try, to help, you watch, her cry

She’s cold, she’s cross, she pulls, away

It hurts, inside, what you, can’t say

‘Cause all the time there’s only one thing on your mind

Could this be the one you waited all your life to find

Could it be true, could it be you

How will you know, when will it show

You smile

When Love Died

When the curtain tore and the crimson flow soaked deep into the earth, the forgotten cried out and walked among us. A crown fit for no king but one, robes torn in flowing royal splendor, colored by purest waters. No heads bowed in reverence, only sorrow from hidden loving faces. A storm rent the sky in ever quaking madness, violent torrents shook golgothic roots to the core.

My First

Why does the darkness consume me always,

My heart aches with the pain of it,

Not the presence of evil,

But the scar it has left on my heart.

I was lost for so long,

I rejected the perfect love that He offered me,

Because I felt unworthy of it,

We are all unworthy,

But I felt it most of all.

Saint Paul’s words in my mouth,

“I am the greatest among sinners”,

Not because my sin is so great,

But because I love Jesus and I know better.

Because each sin is my rejection of Him,

Each evil done is a laugh in His face.

He suffered true pain,

To be tortured and killed on a cross,

To bear all of my sin and be separated from His father’s love.

I will never know that pain,

Except what I feel in my heart.

Pain for my betrayal,

Pain because I do not love Him the way I should,

Pain because I do not worship Him with my actions,

Because I do not speak to Him every day,

Because I ignore Him,

Because He loves me so much and wants to spend time with me.

What is my life without Him,

What, if I do not walk with Him every day,

What are these things I cling to,

Idols I place before Him.

These are not the desires of my heart,

So why do I feed them,

I want to desire nothing,

To have nothing,

To be nothing,

Only then will I see that I already have everything,

That I already am everything,

In His eyes.

“I pray that your life would be as wonderful as it was in God’s mind when He created you”.

I have to let go,

I have to give up,

I have to hit bottom,

Only after I die will I be resurrected,

“It is only when we lose everything, that we are free to do anything”

I want to love, and be loved,

I want to love everyone, everywhere.

Let there be no closed doors in my heart,

Especially not between me and my Jesus,

Let me love all those that He loves,

For He lives in all of those that He loves,

If I reject them, I reject Him,

If I love them, then His love can be given through me.

I want to be free, of all the burdens that tie me to the earth,

That I may take up the heaviest burden of all,

The cross that my Perfect Love died on,

That His blood could cover me,

And wash me clean,

Every day, for my sin is great,

It will not leave me soon,

But in time I think I can learn to let it die with me.

“Every night I died, and every night I was resurrected”

Born again from the ashes of my burning heart,

Let me be consumed by the fire,

Purified by the flame, by my pain.

Let me rise up like a mountain,

Not great in stature, but great in favor,

With God and His children,

Let me be carved out of wood, out of the tree He died on,

Let His strength be my own.

“This is my life, and its ending one minute at a time”

This is my life and its beginning one minute at a time.

“Have I been asleep, have I slept, have I been going to bed earlier and sleeping in later”

Yes, I have been dreaming of a life that has been waiting for me if only I will wake up,

And No. There is no sleep in my life, but even so,

Let me awake now, let me live now,

Put the world on my back, all of the souls that cry out for peace,

Let me carry them now,

As He carried me,

And thus will my anthem be,

“It is a far better thing I do now, than I have ever done before,

It is a far better rest I go to, than I have ever known”.

I will let go now,

I will love now,

I will live, now.

Jedidiah “Beloved of God”

Hole in my Heart (Song)

I sing a simple song

About a heart that’s broken

You turned and walked away

So many things unspoken

And for so long I used to lie awake late at night

Wondering why I let you go without a fight

Right now I’m falling apart

You left a hole in my heart

Living without you

Was like walking in the rain

I wanna feel the sun

But all I feel is pain

‘Cause I never loved anyone the way that I loved you

And it kills me to know you didn’t feel the same way too

Right now I’m falling apart

You left a hole in my heart

Prayin for the day

When my heart will finally mend

I was broken up at first

Now I’m stronger in the end

But the heart ache and loneliness never go away

And it seems like I fall apart a little more every day

Right now I’m falling apart

You left a hole in my heart

Drivin late one night

This song just came to me

I found a peace within

And truth I could finally see

‘Cause in the middle of everything He took me by the hand

Said I’ve loved you forever with a love that has no end

Now I’m not falling apart

God filled that hole in my heart

Beautiful

They say true beauty lies within. If I am beautiful inside it is a dark, sad sort of beauty. Like a pale moon on a dark winter night. Cold and empty, a jar of clay that holds only a memory of the teasures that once overflowed. A grey sky, a stormy sea, an endless void of the heavens. The bitter cold of dawn's first light. The holes between the stars on a clear, crisp night. That place that never forgets, even when people do. When dreams are nothing more than just that. No, thats not right. Oh jar of clay, son of breath and dust, there's something deeper inside where the emptiness can't reach. The origin of all things beautiful, radiant and bright. The Son who lives and breathes inside, the heart that beats within my heart. Now a smile doesn't hide the hurt that hides behind my eyes. Fear no longer has its hold, my heart no longer dead and cold. Behind the eyes, the tears that lied, in darkened dreams no longer hide.

Sad Thoughts

It was a smile that taught me to frown, a warm hello that taught me the bitterness of goodbye, a laugh that taught me to cry, a first kiss that ended with a hurtfull last word. I held her hand, then she walked away. It was love that taught me to hate, it was life that made me wanna die. And you, you take my breath away, but not in a good way.

Exhale

I exhale and this comes out, random thoughts from the edge of the void. Looking down into the infinite abiss I begin to understand my broken life. From shattered heart to beaten will, these deepening scars start speeking words of consolation. Falling forever, through darkening dreams, I finally hit a sense of rock bottom I could use to define my pain. I prayed forever to be free from fear, but fear it seems is stronger than I gave him credit for and so I must endure his whips and bear the stripes they leave behind, defiant lest he gain control. Loosing my hold will mean facing the storms not to get through, but to loose those bits of me that fight to find that safe harbor. I am my own worst enemy. Let me break beneath the endless waves, let the tides wash away my security, let me bleed till nothings left in the wake, let all my hopes and dreams drown, till brokenness is all thats speaks when my head is bowed beneath His feat. To the crushing black I'll sink, till nothings left but empty broken dreams. Here I'll find at last the sunny path I was meant to follow, where Love Himself broke His body for me, and bled dry till the world was washed clean. No more defining what must or not be, the Son's bright dawn will lead me home and at last I'll breathe in peaceful sleep.

Faith Again

Today, for a brief moment, I found Faith again. Its been a long time since I've felt God's presence and been happy about something. He totally blessed me for blessing others and it made me realize how much He's been blessing me lately. Stuff I don't think about, stuff that I take for granted. But for me, big breaks or small ones are all huge. I need all the help He can give me. And today I felt like I earned it. worked hard and went above and beyond and was rewarded for it, caught me off guard, cuz that doesn't happen to me often. I go above and beyond for a long time, till I get tired of it never making a difference, then I start slipping into the monotony of everyone elses low standard work ethics. But today gave me hope, and for the first time since I can remember, I was happy, for a bit, and life seemed ok...who knows what tomorrow will bring... chance of rain?

Rise

Rise from the ashes oh lion of Judah, roar like the rolling thunder that rages and storms inside. Long have you slumbered and fallen deeper into endless dreams of brokeness beyond the hurt and bitterness. (this isn't the end)

23

"A decade ago, I never thought I would be, 23 on the verge of spontanious combustion, woah is me..."

This year I change. Leave the old me behind and start life for real. Give up selfcenterness and instant gratification. Time to become a man, imperfect, but strong and deep. Like a might oak, carry my burdens the way a man does, with purpose. No more waiting. This year will be different. I know because my heart's desires are changing. Because everything I know, everything comfortable the last few years is changing. But its what I need. And though its hard I'm seeing the brighter side already. Today I stopped to smell the roses, breathed deep and found the butterflys returning home after a long absence. Its exciting but I'll play it cool, see what happens :)

Smile

Smile to hide what hurts inside. Take insults and slights that would break who you are, but your sheild is strong. You know who you are now, they can't break that or take it away. So you smile for the things worth smiling about. The ups and the downs, the journey thats teaching you how to live and love free. Smile for the moments that catch your breath. The roaring ocean, the setting sun, a smile from a stranger or someone you love. Smile and don't forget to laugh, at life and yourself, its a strength beyond measure. To smile in the face of danger and adversity, to laugh in the face of fear. Knowing that the only blows that will knock you down are the ones you submit to. Never give in, just smile and walk away. Smile even when its hard, at people who make it hard, they usually need it the most. And smile when life sends you little treasures, they don't seem like alot to other people, but they mean the world to you, someone smiling back at you. The sweetest smile you've ever seen, a smile that takes your breath away. Butterflies

Once

Once apon a midnight dreary... eyes burn hot and brain is weary...
Walked alone through empty places... far off looks on tired faces...
Darkness closing in apon... friends have left, now all have gone...
Bitter heartache beats like madness... lonely dreams that end in sadness...
Tearstained cheeks blank as pages... pointless war the world it rages...
Suff'ring children stand with pride... someone loves them deep inside...
Hear the cry of windswept mountains... quiet splash the empty fountains...
Hardness closing round in side... feelings drain for love thats died...
Numb and painless beats the stone... time it passes... dark... alone...

Change

Where did time go, how did He know.
The years have left their mark,
Pain has broken every wall.
In silent suffering I smiled to make the world happy.
I played the part of the happy face too well.
I let my soul slide to the otherside.
Dwelt in darkness as deep as the night sky.
Bled my heart out to feel alive
Always alone, always inside.
But the wind and the waves came crashing in on my house of cards
All the lies fell away till nothing was left but the Truth.
It roared from deep inside, till it shook the foundations of everything I am.
A voice, not still and small, but Mighty and Powerful as the dawn,
Calling to my True Heart, speaking my True Name.
Strong, fierce, dangerous, brave... a warrior.
All of my life preservers are gone, I wade in deep waters
In the ocean of my True Calling
Now a civil war erupts inside
The old man fighting for his foothold,
The warrior fighting to break free from his chains.
The traitor within doesn't realize it but he's already lost
He draws his strength from the world, from sin and passivity,
The warrior draws his strength from an anciant power,
Older and stronger than time and space.
Power that lies deep within, and yet everywhere outside of him too.
He is thirsty for the blood of his enemy,
Hungry to prove his worth as a soldier in his Fathers army
There battle lies in unseen places, in shadow and light,
They battle over the souls of the lost and the weary.
And if at first he must stand alone, if its him against the world,
The forces of the Light, the unseen host, will be at his side
He has been besieged by the Dark many times before,
He remembers well the pain, and the scars that cut deep in his heart
But they have become his strength
They fuel his righteous fury, he drinks deep from the Old Power
And his souls blazes with the glory of its truth
He stands ready, in full armor, with his sword in hand
The Word of True is its name, and it cuts the Dark like a wall of smoke
The Enemy cannot stand against the Power he wields
Strength not of himself, but from deep within.
The warrior may seem of common birth, but royal blood flows through his veins
His is a son of the King, source of the Old power
Warlord of two worlds, the seen and unseen,
He rules both with absolute power.
Indeed he could end the Ancient war with Might of His Voice alone
But that is not His plan, He wants to see his son, the warrior, live free
To suffer the torment of the Dark, so he can learn how to Take the Light
And Weild it.
The warrior sees the old man, and pities him for living in fear for so long
They will always be at war with eachother, but one cannot exist without the other
To halves to one being, but some day the old man with die,
And the warrior will win his Fathers war
Be given a new name and a new form
And the Kingdom he fought to protect will be safe forever
And all the Lost he led out of the Dark, sword in hand, figthing every step
Will live free as well
He will not stand alone forever
There will be a brave few who come to his aid, to fight by his side
His Band of Brothers
Some have defeated their traitors already, some are still captive
But they will be set free, warriors all, to fight the Dark
Sheild to Sheild
Brave Hearts all
The warrior in me will be the first, to beat the old man and set my brothers free,
Will will fight for the sake of all, in the Name of He who First Saved us,
Will will spill our blood for He who spilt his Blood for us
We will fight to the death
We will fear no evil, we will turn our fear into our strength
By the Blood of the Son, we have already won