My First

Why does the darkness consume me always,

My heart aches with the pain of it,

Not the presence of evil,

But the scar it has left on my heart.

I was lost for so long,

I rejected the perfect love that He offered me,

Because I felt unworthy of it,

We are all unworthy,

But I felt it most of all.

Saint Paul’s words in my mouth,

“I am the greatest among sinners”,

Not because my sin is so great,

But because I love Jesus and I know better.

Because each sin is my rejection of Him,

Each evil done is a laugh in His face.

He suffered true pain,

To be tortured and killed on a cross,

To bear all of my sin and be separated from His father’s love.

I will never know that pain,

Except what I feel in my heart.

Pain for my betrayal,

Pain because I do not love Him the way I should,

Pain because I do not worship Him with my actions,

Because I do not speak to Him every day,

Because I ignore Him,

Because He loves me so much and wants to spend time with me.

What is my life without Him,

What, if I do not walk with Him every day,

What are these things I cling to,

Idols I place before Him.

These are not the desires of my heart,

So why do I feed them,

I want to desire nothing,

To have nothing,

To be nothing,

Only then will I see that I already have everything,

That I already am everything,

In His eyes.

“I pray that your life would be as wonderful as it was in God’s mind when He created you”.

I have to let go,

I have to give up,

I have to hit bottom,

Only after I die will I be resurrected,

“It is only when we lose everything, that we are free to do anything”

I want to love, and be loved,

I want to love everyone, everywhere.

Let there be no closed doors in my heart,

Especially not between me and my Jesus,

Let me love all those that He loves,

For He lives in all of those that He loves,

If I reject them, I reject Him,

If I love them, then His love can be given through me.

I want to be free, of all the burdens that tie me to the earth,

That I may take up the heaviest burden of all,

The cross that my Perfect Love died on,

That His blood could cover me,

And wash me clean,

Every day, for my sin is great,

It will not leave me soon,

But in time I think I can learn to let it die with me.

“Every night I died, and every night I was resurrected”

Born again from the ashes of my burning heart,

Let me be consumed by the fire,

Purified by the flame, by my pain.

Let me rise up like a mountain,

Not great in stature, but great in favor,

With God and His children,

Let me be carved out of wood, out of the tree He died on,

Let His strength be my own.

“This is my life, and its ending one minute at a time”

This is my life and its beginning one minute at a time.

“Have I been asleep, have I slept, have I been going to bed earlier and sleeping in later”

Yes, I have been dreaming of a life that has been waiting for me if only I will wake up,

And No. There is no sleep in my life, but even so,

Let me awake now, let me live now,

Put the world on my back, all of the souls that cry out for peace,

Let me carry them now,

As He carried me,

And thus will my anthem be,

“It is a far better thing I do now, than I have ever done before,

It is a far better rest I go to, than I have ever known”.

I will let go now,

I will love now,

I will live, now.

Jedidiah “Beloved of God”